Love and Pain Go Hand in Hand
by emma.smith05
Summary: Leah has been in pain ever since the new generation of werewolves came into being. She has just found hope, peace and happiness when it is torn away once again. What will she do? Please review! Thank you!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine, it never has been and it never will be. I am so depressed.**

_**Love and pain go hand in hand**_

Leah's POV

Chapter 1 ~ Their Happiness, My Pain

I couldn't see what was right or wrong anymore. I couldn't concentrate on anything enough to analyse it or to break it down - I would have plenty of time for that afterwards. All I could think of was a way out of the pain. All I could think of was freedom from the anguish. So I ran. I ran as fast as I could for as long as I could. I was hoping to run towards my freedom. So how was it possible that my freedom was so filled with agony?

I wanted Sam to be happy - as much as I longed to be free from the way I felt for him, I still loved him enough that I wanted him to be happy, in whatever way possible, even if it was without me.

I wanted Emily to be happy - we had always been close and the circumstances that separated us were beyond her control, so I wanted her to be happy, even if it was without me.

Being with them would be a dampener on their spirits, I convinced myself. So what if I felt betrayed? I could hardly be betrayed: they loved each other very dearly and who was I to stop them? Who was I to depress them? So I left the growing attachment behind. The decision was more difficult than any I'd had to make before.

This growing attachment I felt for Emily was part of the agony of running.

It had started when I saw her and Sam walking on the beach, hand in hand, so in love it made my heart break. Yet, as the full force of the pain hit when my eyes zeroed in on the wedding ring, I suddenly wanted to stay with Emily. I wanted to be there for her - an impossibility. What would she, what could she, want me to be there for? I'd only hurt her, and be a constant reminder of ruined life. Even so, it was a possibility I had never felt before and one that was blossoming before my eyes, with hope and wonder but also with desolation.

I saw her again a few weeks later. I knew that my reaction to her on the beach was real, that I did feel a new-found affection for her. When I saw her, the affection strengthened, fed on itself. That's when she told me the "good" news. She was pregnant. I was pleased that she was pleased, I was happy that she was happy. Within my own life; bleakness.

Each time I saw her after that was like the hit of a drug, feeding this affection and familial love. I was soon going out of my way to meet her - going with Jacob to see "Sam" and hoping Emily would be there, bumping into her at the shops, finding her doing the chores. As she grew and the child grew within her, I became almost happy. Yet, with the happiness grew the hurt. The hurt that Sam chose her and that she chose Sam. Sam, my only love. Despite the growing pain, I stayed.

I could see everyone from Sue to Jacob to Sam and Emily wondering about the sudden change, voicing questions of concern and, sometimes, anger. They were always rebuffed with a shrug and evasion - I couldn't answer my own questions, let alone theirs.

The nine months passed quickly as I created my routine, trying to help Emily where possible. Soon, the child was born. I never saw it. The child brought a light to Sam's eyes such as I'd never seen before - hope, reverence, adoration. That look nearly brought me to my knees. I didn't say goodbye. I couldn't. It would have made life unbearable. I said goodbye with my mind as I transformed and ran.

Of course, things were never that simple. But, Jake did the same thing Sam did for him. He sent the voices away.

_Have you seen Harry yet? _he asked, for once, not leaving me alone when I asked.

_No_, I snarled back, wondering why they had named their child that.

_See him before you leave_.

_No_, I growled again.

_I know how you feel_, he thought to me, whilst I reluctantly listened. _If you refuse to see him now, keep transforming, keep young_, he told me.

_Why?_ I snapped at him. _So I can endure more pain? I'm not going to do that._

_It will give you more hope than you've ever fel in your life before. Trust me._

And I saw what he saw. And I knew it would never happen. And I ran from the torment.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine, it's Stephenie Meyer's. Damn, I wish I'd had that dream.**

_**Love and pain go hand in hand**_

Leah's POV

Chapter 2 ~ Impossible

I kept running for years. I missed weddings and funerals and births and deaths. I missed everything. But I just couldn't make myself go back. I couldn't make myself face the anguish. It was too much.

I was going wolf as often as I could, which, unfortunately, wasn't very often - I couldn't cope with the pack's constant presence and pity. The only person I listened to was Jacob, because he was the only one who truly understood what I was going through. Even so, I couldn't manage the aura of happiness and peace that Nessie gave him. It always reminded me of what I could never have. When he noticed my line fo thoughts were like that, Jake left me to my own devices and told the others to leave me be - he was a good friend.

I often contemplated how things in my life had turned out. I often blamed the Cullens, even though I knew that they had known nothing about what their presence in Forks would do to us. I blamed fate, for choosing me to be the only female werewolf in the history of the Quileutes. I blamed everything I could in my fits of sadness and grief. Nothing could pull me out of them, except Jacob and hunting.

To think, my sanity remained on someone I used to hate and hunting animals, which I despised. I shook my head at the thought.

I finally returned to see Quil and Claire's wedding. I only returned because I wanted to see Seth, who had imprinted. It was getting ridiculous - only Embry and I remained without true soul mates in Jacob's pack and only five in Sam's vast pack hadn't imprinted. The myth was supposed to be _rare._

I stopped that thought. I was criticising my only hope: no matter how van and impossible it may be, I couldn't help but hope for it.

I got there a few days before the wedding. I chose a wedding outfit, paid for by Jacob (i.e. the Cullens), and went to see Seth. He was happier than I had ever seen him and, as he was a very happy person anyway, that was saying something.

The girl Seth had imprinted on, Eleanor, was very kind and also happy. She smiled often and laughed more and I knew that the two of them would be perfect together. I was happy for him. I was pained for myself.

Then came the day of the wedding. I hadn't actually wanted to go, but I had been persuaded by Jacob, who still thought I would imprint on Harry. I didn't know which I wanted more - to prove my theory of my own unworthiness or to hope he was right.

I saw Sam and Emily at the wedding with their children and it put a lump in my throat. Harry wasn't there, so neither Jacob nor I could be proven right. I wore my happy face, trying to keep it in place so I wouldn't be pitied.

Claire was beautiful at 24, her black hair waistlength and contrasting perfectly to the white dress she wore. Quil smiled as he saw her and I hid the excruciating agony at the love that brimmed in his eyes as he saw her walk down the aisle. _If only that could happen to me_, I thought. But it never could.

I sat restlessly through the ceremony, wishing it would quickly come to an end and I could go back to running whilst I tried to cope with the pain. My thoughts were so bent on this that I ran straight into Harry in my rush to escape. Then I saw him.

I saw everything. I saw the pain that had bogged my heart down for twenty years lift. I saw the reason why I was born. I saw at the reason I had loved Emily when we had been growing up. I saw why I had an immediate connection to Sam. I saw why Jacob had been right. I saw how my life and my choices had put off this moment. If only I had believed. I saw the center of my Universe staring down at me.

I was dumbstruck. I had imprinted.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters.**

**Love and Pain Go Hand in Hand**

Leah's POV

Chapter 3 ~ Complete

Harry and I were made for each other - although that was stating the obvious. Every imprinted couple are made for each other.

I became the happiest I had been since Sam had left me, nearly twenty years before. Even so, the happiness then was nothing to what it was now. This was an entirely new sensation, so heightened that all of my nerve ends tingled at a single touch. Even Sam hadn't done that.

Harry became the most important thing to me; food, drink, breath, none of it mattered. Only Harry.

We talked. A lot. It was what we did most. Just talked. It was nice. Not being pressured, not needing to do anything more, because just talking revealed so much of what we had missed in each other.

I probed for information to do with what he wanted in life, but he wouldn't tell me for a time. He said it would alienate me from him but I quickly shot that idea down.

We were on the beach, after I had been pestering him about it yet again, when he heaved a sigh and finally replied, "a family." I nearly died with that; the weight of the pain at not being able to give him what he most wanted from life. It was nearly unbearable.

"Leah?" he asked, his voice full of concern at the undisguised torture in my eyes and on my face.

"I can't have children, Harry," I sobbed, my shoulders heaving. "I can't have children. I can't give you what you want most. That hurts so much, you can't imagine how much. We both want a family and I can't give you one." My voice broke down completely towards the end as the truth sunk deep within me. No family with Harry, and I couldn't imagine wanting one more. My brain, shooting off thoughts that didn't matter, recognised Rosalie had nothing on me here.

"Shush, Leah," he said, his voice soothing and calming. "We don't know that. Let's face it, you've been wrong about werewolf nature before."

I looked up at him, my eyes still shedding tears, which Harry wiped away with gentle hands. I looked at him, barely comforted. "Would you mind not having a family?"

"As long as I am with you, I will take whatever comes."

"Thank you," I whispered.

He smiled. "There's nothing to thank me for, Leah. I can't bear to see you in pain. We don't have to think about this right now. And, when you start aging again, it'll work out. You just wait and see." He gently kissed my lips and I smiled. I had finally found my happy place. Until he spoke again.

"Will you tell me something?" he asked, breaking a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"Anything."

"What did you think of Dad when he imprinted?" Well, that was a surprise. We had had this discussion not so long ago, but at the time, I thought it would be better to diplomatic - or rather to lie.

"Haven't we had this discussion?" I questioned. It was rude of me to answer a question with a question, but I was unwilling to have to repeat the lies.

"Yes, you said you didn't mind. But I've been thinking..." It didn't matter what he said after. The long and short of it was that I'd been busted. Well, seeing as how lying hadn't made a difference, it was only the truth from here on in. I wouldn't do that again. Harry deserved the truth. But at the expense of his father? It had all changed through my eyes now. Sam hadn't done anything wrong. Truth it was, I decided.

"You were thinking I wasn't telling the truth because I told you we were serious and that must have hurt so I actually did mind." He nodded. "You're perceptive. At the time, I really...I just couldn't see how he could have done that to me. With the relative I was closest to, as well. It hurt. A hell of a lot. And I minded a lot too. I have to say, I turned into a bitter old harpy. I had heard the stories of the imprint, heard how strong the connection was, had Sam tell me several times that he couldn't help it and that he was sorry, but it didn't make it better.

"It didn't help that I turned wolf less than a year later - it was all too close to the pain, at the time. I had to force it off on others to cope. I couldn't have been happier when I learnt that separate packs couldn't hear each other. I had an escape route for once. But it didn't help as much as I thought it would. Only you have helped." I reached up to kiss his cheek, one show of affection that was to help portray how much he meant to me now.

"Glad to be of service," he murmured, kissing me fully on the lips. Then he froze.

"What else?" I sighed.

"What did you think of Mom when Dad imprinted on her?"

"I was pleased with her."

"Pleased that she was with Dad?"

"She wasn't with him at first. She refused him again and again, unwilling to hurt me more than I had been already. Then, one day, he lost control around her, and..." I took a deep breath. Although it hadn't happened to me, it was still a sharp, painful memory - I had seen the emotion in Sam's face and the pain in his eyes when he looked at those scars. "Well, you've seen the scars." He winced."Your father couldn't have been sorrier or more devastated at what he had done and Emily couldn't bear that, so she tried to comfort him. The next day I had my heart broken all over again."

"It doesn't still hurt does it?"

"Not any more. All the damage has been healed by you. You are my life." Then I laughed.

"What?" I wasn't surprised that he was puzzled - I hadn't explained every little detail of my life with the vampires, nor would I.

"I can't believe I'm about to say this but - I sound like Edward Cullen." I laughed again.

"That's not funny."

"More ironic, actually. I swore to myself I'd never sympathise with a vampire and now I understand every single member of the Cullen family from Carlisle to Rosalie."

We started to walk across the beach.

"How hard is it to stop phasing?" It was an odd question and, although I could usually read Harry like a book, his face was thoughtful - not much to go on then.

"Very hard. It might be easier for me, now that I have you." I squeezed the hand I was holding.

"How can I help?"

"You'll help by just being around - I'm a lot calmer around you. As for the specifics, I'm not exactly sure. I didn't exactly want to give up my wolf self before I met you - it gave me a lot of peace to talk to Jacob and the cheapest way to do that was go wolf. He actually knew how I felt because he'd been in exactly the same situation, and I mean exactly. The whole love about to have a baby thing, I mean. He imprinted on an immortal half-vampire though, so I couldn't ask him about stooping phasing through personal experience, because he wouldn't know. I tried to stay away from the other members of the pack. So, in short, I have no clue."

"Oh well. It was just a thought."

"I'll try to stop phasing. You have no idea how much I want your theory to come true."

He smiled down at me and I felt whole again. I had found the person who made me complete.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine and none of the characters are mine - I'm just borrowing them.**

**Author's note: This chapter may not be as good as want it to be, because I can't write happy moods very well, so please tell me what you think. I would have plowed straight ahead with the story, but it wouldn't have given enough weight to the events that follow.**

**Love and Pain Go Hand in Hand**

Leah's POV

Chapter 4 ~ Together forever

I often considered how unreasonable I had been and how, even though I said to Jacob that I had wanted to forget my feelings for Sam, I still loved him too much to let go. I had loved him too much and yet always too little - I loved him too much so I couldn't let go, too little to make any difference to his choice. I lived with him, blind to the tales and legends of the Quileutes and yet putting too much trust in them - I never listened to the stories detailing the strength of an imprint as they always spoke of its rarity. So difficult were those times and so long they lasted, I didn't want to think about them, but to not think was to deny the longest period of my life ever existed.

But it mattered less and less with the passing of each day; I had Harry now.

Harry and I were now inseparable; so much so that it hurt even to go to different places to eat. This was a lot stronger than any other imprint ever seen or spoken of in legend and I acknowledged the luck of it - had it been any weaker, I doubted I would have been fully healed of the wounds inflicted by the beginning of the werewolves.

We often ended up walking on the beach, hand in hand, like the scene I had witnessed between Sam and Emily so many years ago. This scene was one I obviously preferred. I couldn't believe I had put off all of these special moments, all of these precious memories that wouldn't exist without Harry. I had been so obtuse and what had it done? Nothing but cause me more pain.

It was on the beach that I normally dwelt on such things, but not that day. That day, Harry had looked rather over-excited at something, the light in his eyes betraying his calm exterior mask. I had no idea what that was about and decided that he must be excited about something in his family that I didn't know about. Though, the rez was so small, that was unlikely, but anything else was preposterous. It wasn't like we knew each other extremely well, despite the connection we had - the ability to read Harry's face quickly was a gift I was so glad to have.

The glint in his eyes never relented in the walk to the beach and he was practically bouncing all the way. It was so unexpected I started to wonder what was coming next - a breakdance, including a back-flip into a cartwheel then a windmill?

"Harry? Are you OK?" I had to ask on more than one occasion; in return, a reproaching look before we walked on again. I even thought over what he had eaten to see if he was hyperactive, strange as it was in a nineteen, nearly twenty year old.

We finally got to the beach, where I hoped this mystery would be solved - or I'd force it out of him in some way.

The evening was starting to get cool and people were heading home after their day at the beach. Harry and I were the only ones actually arriving and the sense of isolation on arrival at the beautiful beach was incredible.

"Will you tell me yet?" I asked, whilst Harry tried to create a driftwood fire in the half-light.

"What's to say I didn't want a nice evening with you at the beach?" he answered cheekily, getting his matches out.

"That look in your eye," I replied. Then Harry, very immaturely, started giggling. He was worse than Emmett at times. And now I was comparing my one and only to a vampire. That shows how dramatically Harry had changed my moods.

With him in this mood, I wasn't even going to mention that he looked excited.

"So, what is it?" I asked again, as we sat on the logs. He wasn't very warm so I snuggled closer to him, wrapping one arm around his waist.

"Nothing," he replied, quickly. Too quickly.

"So why are you keeping it from me?"

"I'm not keeping anything from you," he said in mock offence.

"Uh-huh. Right. Why are you trying to stop laughing?" His body was rocking with a silent laughter and his grin could have been used for a lighthouse.

"I'm not!"

"Of course not, darling. What are we here for?"

"Will you stop it with the questions, please? I only wanted a little peace and quiet with you, and here you are, second-guessing everything! Can't I just have a spontaneous and very romantic moment?"

I stared at him for a minute, before opting to follow his plan - whatever he wants to say, he'll say it. Annoying as it may be, he just wants to be nice.

We sat for a long time, very comfortable in one another's presence, just watching the sunset as the colours played across the sky. We had talked about travelling lately, and discussed where to go and what to see and whether to avoid anywhere that vampires may appear - he was arguing against that, but I sure as hell wasn't going to let him be wolf with me. We had half of our route planned by the end of the night, but if we went everywhere we wanted to go, it would take several years.

"Is there anything you want to do before we go?" I asked. I could tell this was what he had been hiding from me because he shifted uncomfortably and nervously as I said it.

"Well...um...yes...actually. I...well, I was wondering...if...if..." He trailed off. His nervousness, though unfounded, was keeping him back.

"It can't be that difficult to say, Harry. Come on. You know I won't be able to resist it, whatever it is. So, just say it." I watched as the set of his face became more certain and confident as I said it.

"Well, do you...will you marry me?" he asked in a rush.

I gasped. _This_ was the secret? _This_ was what he kept from me? _Marriage?_

"How could you think I'd say no?" I whispered through the happy tears that welled up in my eyes.

He beamed, his whole face lit up and glowing with a ferocious happiness. We whiled away the hours in a passion.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine.**

**Author's note: Another happy chapter, although it is extremely short. This happy interlude wouldn't have been this long but like I said last time - I want effect later on. Probably won't work but...I'll have a bash at it and hope for the best. Tell me what you think (i.e. reviews please)!**

**Love and Pain Go Hand in Hand**

Leah POV

Chapter 5 ~ Wedding

"Really, this is a bit much, Eleanor," I groaned as Seth's girlfriend, having being assigned hair and make-up duty by Alice, tried to curl my short hair into ringlets.

"No, no Leah. You're not talking me out of this. This is all I get to do. Alice taught me and I'm going to do her what justice I can. So there." She stuck her tongue out at me, rather childishly, but knowing that she had won the argument.

I sighed and tried to relax, but that was impossible. Instead, I settled for worrying how Sam would react to Jacob allowing the Cullens to come to my wedding, even though we were using their garden and house. It probably wouldn't be too bad, but I'm one of lifes perpetual worriers.

Apparently, all had gorged themselves on elk they found whilst travelling so the humans weren't in danger because they weren't thirsty. It wasn't sunny so they couldn't be mistaken for extremely strange glitter balls. The only people invited knew that the Cullens were vampires and didn't age. So, Seth forced me to invite them. How the hell my little brother managed to convince me to invite _vampires_ to _my_ wedding, I have no idea. But he did, and I had to make the best of it.

That meant they were allowed to be at the wedding and the reception then they had to vamoose.

Vamoose? I'd never said, or even thought, the word 'vamoose' before. Where did that come from? Oh, of course, it had been Harry's favourite word of the day a few weeks ago.

I laughed at myself and received a rather concerned look from Eleanor. I wasn't hysterical, like she obviously thought I was, gauging her reaction from that look. I was laughing at how much Harry had changed my life. He had made me look on the bright side of everything and made me learn to laugh at myself - some rather embarrassing practical jokes had ensued after I told him that I often didn't see the funny side of things.

The time in the dressing room passed in a blur of chatter and puffs of powder. It wasn't long before I heard the wedding march.

We were out in the open, surrounded by the trees of the forest. The ceremony passed in a whirl and I was glad someone was filming this, otherwise I would never be able to tell who was where at what time, despite the fact that this was the most important day of the rest of my life. The only thing I truly registered were my feelings as Harry and I said "I do" - elated, thrilled, excited, awe-filled and goodness knows what else - and Harry himself. Harry, my beautiful, wonderful, magnificent _husband_. There could be no moment in my life that would be treasured as much as this one would.

The reception was clearer in my mind. There were lots of people drinking champagne, paid for by the Cullens, which seemed a bit unfair. I offered them all a slice of the magnificent three-tier wedding cake to make up for it, and got a laugh from most and extremely sour looks from Rosalie in return - that was quite funny.

There was lots of dancing and congratulations all around, and...it was over. I then had to give thanks to a vampire, for a beautiful wedding, a wedding as glorious as Bella's had been. I was surprised that nobody had to bribe or coerce me to do it, although I was so happy, I didn't care I was supposed to hate vampires. Nobody could hate even a vampire, had they helped to create the most perfect day.

And then we left. Harry and I took off for the most far flung places in the world, and the ones we had discussed visiting on the beach. First stop, Kenya, for our safari honeymoon.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: This plot line is mine, most of the characters are Stephenie Meyer's. Well, dang.**

**Author's Note: This is, yet again, a happy chapter. And, yet again I say, it probably won't be as good, because happy isn't my forte. And sorry chapter 5 took so long, I couldn't write this one, and I like to be a chapter ahead so.. yeah, I'm sorry about that. It was also short because I haven't been to a wedding, nor have I seen one. Unless you count soaps, but you can't because they never work - someone always interrupts or crashes it and I obviously didn't want that to happen in my happy chapter.  
Be warned, this is a long chapter - I seem to be trying to make up for the short one last time. **

**Love and Pain Go Hand in Hand**

Leah's POV

Chapter 6 ~ Party

I travelled everywhere with Harry. We went far and wide, worked and relaxed, in every corner of the globe. We went to Eastern Europe, Mexico, India, South America, Northern Africa. We saw endless forests, endless deserts, endless snow. We lived in many conditions, in riches and poverty. The only consistent thing was that we helped as many families as we could, by giving them access to clean water or teaching them to grow new food in the area.

Not only this, but we often returned to the reservation. I owed Sam and Emily many apologies for the way I had treated them so despicably, whilst watching their love blossom and grow in front of my eyes. I may have been hurt, but it was out of their control - I shouldn't have punished them for nature. And it was only now I had experienced what it was like to imprint that I realised how inexcusable my behaviour was.

Harry and I also visited wherever Jacob and Renesmee moved to, as long as the vampires weren't there. I knew I was being selfish about not wanting Harry to change, but I was being selfless too - it would save him from the burden of going slowly mad at the idea of transforming into a giant dog. I owed Jacob a lot because he was the one that kept me sound in mind during the long, long years of insanity within my heart.

We passed nine years, and I stopped phasing after six - it would have been sooner, but Harry wanted to be older than me physically for some strange reason, unfathomable to anyone except him.

Due to this close friendship with him, Jacob invited us to Nessie's thirtieth birthday. The big party would be the day we left, but the aversion I had for vampires around Harry meant they invited us a day early to stay for a few days. The next day most for the pack were coming up, then the Cullens were coming the day after that. We would stay with the Cullens for a couple of hours then we'd leave. Harry wanted to see everyone (including them - why, I had no idea) so I conceded.

When we arrived, Nessie was practically bouncing with joy that I seemed to have finally mellowed out some, and was agreeing to meet everyone from her family. We arrived early morning and talked about a lot of stuff. They asked about everyone from home, who had married or divorced and the like, since they had last spoken to someone from the rez. Not much could have happened since, because Jake spoke to Billy only a week ago, so why they asked was beyond me. They probably knew more than us, due to the fact Harry and I mostly lived in the poorer areas of the world and often didn't have access to electricity, so we couldn't phone home to find anything out.

Nessie was elated with the gift we bought her from our current home in Africa - it was a specially made carpet that the women of the village had woven when I said I owed very good a friend a present. They had put as many hours into it as they could and the result was a small, yet beautiful and vibrant rug, all colours under the sun, of the highest quality. It was fit for a king.

They put us in the best guest room in the house - the blue room with mahogany cladding on the walls with a royal blue coloured bedspread and white carpet. The white en suite was just as grand, with gold taps and elaborate stands for everything. I tried not to think of the vampires that had stayed in the room - they wouldn't have needed this room to sleep in. Just thinking innuendos about made me want to heave.

I was looking forward to seeing everyone from the pack. It had been a while since we had all gotten together for some kind of occasion and I wanted everyone to know how happy Harry and I were travelling - some had shown concern at our decision to live in the areas that were very diseased and often didn't have the necessary amenities. We let them know it was our vision to help.

It was early in the morning when we woke up and went downstairs, but Nessie and Jacob had beaten us to it and were cooking us breakfast in their huge kitchen. Why did a couple without kids need a kitchen that large when they preferred hunting and with vampires as their main visitors? I bet people would have killed for this house. Despite that I really liked it her. There was a sophistication and elegance about it.

"I love this place," I said as I sat down to the breakfast table that was the kitchen island. "Who decorated?"

"Esme," Nessie replied. "She works wonders with houses. She is the driving force behind any refurbishments they do to any of the houses. She's nearly as bad for the redecoration of houses as Alice is for trying to create events that you just do not want. And then she, the psychic, wonders why you're going to have a future hissy fit when you learn of her plans..." She shook her head.

"How are Rebecca and Paul now?" I asked Jacob.

"Paul is still as annoying as ever. You would think, with responsibilities like kids and animals, that Paul would try to calm down, but no. He still tries to irritate you to death with his stupid laugh. God, that's annoying."

"What is it with you two and dysfunctional families?" Harry asked.

"Vampires are hardly normal," I snorted, and received death stares from everyone, even Harry, the love of my life who was supposed to agree with me at all times. I tried to justify myself. "Well, they aren't. Not by human standards. Or werewolf standards. Any creature in the world is more normal than they are."

"My family are nice, thank you very much," Nessie sniffed, as she flipped the bacon harder than necessary in mock offence. "It always depends on what standard you judge by."

Jacob was just about to butt in when two sharp raps at the door announced visitors.

"Who could that be?" Nessie wondered. Well, we were all wondering it. "It's not even eight yet. Paul and Rebecca are the ones showing up earliest and they wouldn't be an hour and a half early. Their time keeping is so appalling I'll be surprised if they show up before four."

She walked to the door, out of my line of sight, and opened it.

"Nessie!" I heard Rosalie call. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. You look good, but if you don't mind me asking - what are you doing here?" Nessie asked, surprise only entering her voice when she asked the question.

"You didn't think we'd miss your big day, did you? Especially not your mother and father. Honestly, you shouldn't look so shocked." She must have been more disconcerted than her voice let on.

"Yeah," I heard Emmett say. "We came to spring you. Your parents are hunting - each other probably - but some elk we found was the excuse they gave. Why they'd want to be alone to do that..." All in the kitchen shuddered at the mental image gained on such information and I heard Nessie's gag at it. You just don't want to hear that about your parents.

"But now's not the best time, you guys," Nessie replied.

"Trying to get rid of us won't work you know. We're here for your big 30, even though you don't look a day over seven," he laughed. It wasn't even funny. A short silence followed, where I guessed my name was being announced via the still freaky mind-speaking-to-you-through-physical-contact gift Renesmee had.

"We didn't realise. Sorry. We can leave. We'll find somewhere for tonight," Rosalie sniffed, very put out by the extra effort she would have to make because of mongrels.

"Oh, don't," Jacob called loudly, momentarily forgetting that these were vampires who could hear every heartbeat and breath in here. "Come through. The rest aren't here yet and I don't mind the smell anymore." That loosened up the slightly tense atmosphere that had settled since Nessie told the others about myself and the arrival of the rest.

We all laughed as Emmett and Rosalie walked in. Rose had, apparently, learned to live with Jacob due to his constant presence within the family and Bella's persistence. However, she still carried with her an air of disdain for all others and I could tell she wasn't best pleased with having to stay for the arrival of most of them, despite the fact most were human now, nor with having to endure my company. Emmett was Emmett - huge but childish, scary but immature. Bless him.

In walked Alice and Jasper, although danced might have been a better description of Alice. They were totally unconcerned with the slightly tense atmosphere and this created a sense of ease within us - another explanation could be Jasper messed with our moods. Alice was still as lively as ever and Jasper was still as reserved as ever. But this was hardly surprising - vampires didn't change in anything so describing them as being exactly who they were was obsolete, really.

Next came Carlisle and Esme, holding a huge bag of presents. Nessie saw it and turned to look at everyone in the kitchen with her tongue stuck out at the size of it. We all laughed.

After the meet-greet-and-failing-to-get-them-to-leave session, all the vampires strolled in, their noses wrinkled in distaste at the smell of the cooking bacon.

"So how are you?" Carlisle asked, placing the bulging sack of presents on the ground, whilst rearranging his face into something more friendly.

"We're fine, thanks Carlisle," Jacob replied, glancing at the bag with a strangely pained expression on his face. Based on the fuming expression of Nessie's face, he was expecting an earful a some point for telling the vamps to bring some presents for her. He obviously forgot Alice was a family member of the Cullens and her insatiable need to shop wouldn't be restrained to one present if told to buy something. Trying to prolong conversation and avoid Nessie's future argument, he asked, "How about you guys? Where are you moving to now?"

"Great, thanks. We're not entirely sure where to go, although some of us are voting to stop near Tanya's for a few months. Since there's no other input - surprisingly - we probably will go there." Esme smiled at the thought of seeing such close family. It seemed a little pointless since they could get there by running from any point in the US within a day, never mind about the ridiculously fast speeds they travelled at in their cars.

We all descended into small talk and separate conversations. References to the past were made a lot, especially as I hadn't seen the Cullens for a while, so I was often filling Harry in on the little family and friend jokes that had been made some twenty or so years before.

The all-human-now "packs" eventually arrived, and because all vampire/wolf feuds had dissipated due to the Imprint, everyone greeted everyone else like we were the best of friends. In some cases, they were, like Seth and Edward. Only Edward and Bella still hadn't returned, so Seth was slightly disappointed, but that was alleviated when we mentioned that they were coming soon. Emmett pointed out that he and Rose would have been quicker than Edward and Bella at what they were doing, to which everybody shuddered. He continued to make suggestive jokes all through the conversation, the deep boom of his voice interrupting other, happier conversations, not about the sex lives of our friends.

Edward and Bella finally arrived, more than three hours later, so I suspect they were buying something, especially by the way Bella seemed to shuffle around when Nessie tried to look at her back and the sniggers she received from Edward. That made me guess it was his idea to get Bella to hold the gift. Either that or they had been a bit too eager and Edward had ripped her clothes. I, once again, had to mentally shake myself, and I was glad Edward seemed to be laughing at Bella too much to care what the others in the room thought, especially me.

Ever eager, Nessie opened her presents. To avoid pages of writing on what she received, let's just say that she may need to buy a wardrobe for each designer shop - Versace, Gucci, you name it. There were also a lot of shoes and necklaces coming out of the bag. The only presents that probably meant anything were her parents (a gorgeous bracelet with diamonds and emeralds inset that belonged to Edward's mother and now had a personalised engraving to her) and Jacob's (a wooden jewellery box, with life-like roses carved into the sides).

All who liked to eat cooked food, i.e. everyone except the Cullens and Nessie, had lunch and all sorts of party food thrown at them, so much so that it took several hours to feel normal again and actually move without feeling like being sick.

Eventually, all the "pack" left, Harry and I included though we left later than the others, at around half past five, having been drawn into a long conversation where I had to admit that all the Cullens were brilliant - again! It was very annoying, especially as I was extremely aware that every moment spent with the Cullens was risking Harry's future. After having my fretting constantly attacking his thoughts for nearly an hour, Edward finally pointed out to everyone that I wanted to leave very subtly and succinctly, for which I threw him a few grateful thoughts.

As we left, I heard Edward sigh and call us back in.

"Peter and Charlotte are going to be here in a minute. Do you want to say hello?"

"Not if I've got to stay here for another eight hours like last time," I smiled at him, remembering the last time they had persuaded me to say hello to some friends, that time was the Amazonian vampires, that were visiting. "Erm...are they thirsty?"

"Not that I can see," Alice answered, her eyes seeming to go sightless. "You'll be fine."

"Sure," Harry replied and he plonked himself down on the floor.

"Can we go for a walk around the garden first? It's roasting in here," I asked Harry. He heaved a sigh and dragged himself up and we walked into the large back garden, although the description of "large" wasn't really appropriate - "large" couldn't really describe four acres of land.

We walked through the wildflowers, and Harry picked several for me in my favourite colours, some pink, some purple, some yellow, some blue. I clutched them to my heart, knowing that's where Harry would always be. I took his hand, and we walked through the garden in the dwindling sunlight.

**That's the chapter. All happy. ****Sorry for the delay. I have had very little time to do it, as of late. But, I have had a good writing brainstorm tonight, so it shouldn't be too long before the next chapter's here.  
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**So, as this is the end of the chapter, I am goin to shamelessly ask, plead and beg you wonderful readers for any reviewsyou have locked up in you. I have the next chapter written, so, fingers crossed, it won't take as long to put up. Pretty, pretty, pretty please?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Unscramble 'not Twilight mine is' and you find the most dismaying fact in this world. For me, anyway. Sigh.**

**Author's Note: Alas, I have hinted again and again that this happiness couldn't last so here it is - the sad bit.**

**Love and Pain Go Hand in Hand**

Leah's POV

Chapter 7 ~ Murder

Charlotte arrived first, calmly greeting us and shaking our hands. It was a perfect show, but a show it was. It was all a little forced, a little too unnatural. I had no idea what it was, but I assumed it was something to do with the fact that she was a little thirsty and Harry was a nice, tasty human. I tried not to be concerned but it was impossible to do so.

She turned her back on us and strutted up to the house, walking at a brisk vampiric pace. I rolled my eyes at her rush to greet the Cullens. I imagined what she would say about my Harry, but none of it was good, so I distracted myself from that train of thought by looking at the man in front of me.

He caught me looking and I looked into his eyes. They were perfect; rich, warm and inviting. I took his hand as I stepped closer to him, his eyes still burning into mine. It was the familiarly intense moments that I totally associated with Harry. He brought out the best in me, in all of me. I couldn't help but be thankful to him, to the downfall of the bitter harpy I had once been.

A slight breeze rippled around me, making me shiver and I noticed the goosebumps on Harry's arms.

"Come on," I whispered to him. "We'll go in and say goodbye."

"I'd rather be here a while longer, thanks," he smiled at me. "I feel like magic might exist here." I snorted. "What? Does that sound stupid? Personally, I thought it was kind of sweet."

"But you know magic exists. You're talking to the ex-werewolf who is about to return to a houseful of vampires." I snorted at him again. Seriously. He groaned once he cottoned on. "It was like the time Bella asked Edward to imagine what people thought." I laughed again.

"Enough humour at my expense," he said, his face crunching up in mock offence. I watched his face smooth out as his gaze returned to the encroaching forest. The way his eyes lit up was magic in itself, and I hoped it never ended.

"Do you mind if I go back?" I asked, breaking the silence that had built up as I watched his beauty from the sidelines. "I can make you a drink if you want me to."

"I'd love that, thank you." He smiled at me and I was glad, once more, for returning to the wedding and making this beautiful man mine. I grinned in return and started to walk back to the house. I was in for a bit of a trek (the garden was so large) but I was happy, nonetheless. The walk left me refreshed and glowing and I turned to see if Harry had started to follow me yet.

That was when I saw the most earth-shattering I had ever seen. It rocked my world, cracked every little plan and hope for happiness that I had ever wanted.

Peter was crouched down, with his back to me. He was crouched over my husband, over my love, over my life. He was crouched over the still, pale form that had been my Harry. I watched as Harry's eyes fluttered shut, grimacing in pain. I watched my Harry's life drain away into Peter. I watched my Harry dying. I watched my Harry being murdered. And I didn't do a thing.

My excuse is that I was frozen. The shock and severity of the situation numbed me, stopped every thought and every bit of logic that was screaming at me to save him. All I could do was stand there, dumbfounded, and watch the events unfold. I had no power or control over the things laid out before me. I was rooted to the spot as every one of my fears about Harry's safety amongst the vampires was forced upon me.

I closed my eyes, wishing away the moments that had been. I closed my eyes and wished I had stayed with him. I closed my eyes and wished I was in Harry's arms. I imagined myself fitting closely to his body, the way I always had. I imagined his woody scent, and his arms encircling me as I went to sleep. I imagined Harry was alive and living life as we had always wanted it.

I saw every moment of the past and every missed chance if the future. I saw the life we had led, and the life that could have been. I saw our discussions of our family and who our family could have been. I saw the families we had met, and the family we would have had. I saw us as new parents, us being happy for our growing children, us becoming grandparents. The last image was one that was branded onto my brain forever.

It was a simple family portrait. One with happiness lighting the eyes of each family member, making them glow. I saw my features, wrinkled and withered, but mine, on the old lady. She was next to someone she clearly adored, someone who was everything to her. In that old man's face were the hazel eyes and the trademark mischievous playfulness that I made them easily recognisable as Harry's eyes. Surrounding them were their three children, all with mixtures of Harry's features and mine; Harry's hair, the lady's eyes; her smile, Harry's eyes; Harry's smile, her hair. Knelt on the floor were the grandchildren, gazing adoringly at Harry and the happy old lady. They were seeing the world with rose tinted glasses, from Harry and the lady all the way through to their grandchildren. Despite knowing and recognizing the old lady as me, I couldn't bring myself to think it was me. It brought the agony too close. The pain of missing everything. The misery had replaced the happiness so quickly.

As the picture faded, I recognised I had seen my life how it should have been, twice now. Two chances to be the happiest woman on earth and both chances had been snatched away by the vampires before I had ever had a chance to properly taste them or savour them.

My vision returned in time to read the last words my Harry muttered. "I love you, Leah." He was completely oblivious to the fact I was too far away to hear, but he said it anyway. I felt the tears start to pool in my eyes as I saw my Harry in Death's embrace. I saw and I believed, for the first time in my life, in the land of the spirits where our ancestors lay. I wished his shining soul to be guided to that land with happiness and joy.

I felt the dam of the numbing shock start to crumble. I could feel the blood pounding in my head as I felt my heart tear. _I had witnessed my Harry's murder._ That, and everything it implied, sent me crashing to the floor. I hoped this river of pain was dragging me under with Harry. I hoped this sea of agony would make me regret not living in each moment more then I had done before.

I didn't hear the footsteps until they were right beside me. I saw, through the water of this river or sea, the face of Peter watching over me. His pale skin was slightly flushed from the blood under his skin. _My Harry's blood._ I saw him move faster than I had expected him to. _My Harry's blood had done that._ I watched his vivid, glowing, ruby-red eyes watch me. _My Harry's blood was swirling in them._ What created my mission in life was what was in those eyes.

There was no mercy, remorse or regret. No conscience had restrained the monster. Nothing pitied me. It was more like Peter was trying to think clearly and was using me as his muse. It was a bad idea. My numbness of Harry was creating an awareness of his murderer. I inspected his eyes closely as he was doing with me. I pierced into the depths of that scarlet. I looked for anything that would change my mind about this harsh judgement of labeling him a monster. Instead, I saw the monster was enjoying himself. Having drained my Harry, he was gloating, jumping over the body, trying to kill him twice to savour the taste of the scorching, soothing blood.

I suddenly saw my mission. It was to punish my Harry's killer.

The agony turned into anger. The distress transformed into a white hot, burning fury, roiling beneath the surface. I felt the growl build deep within my throat. The tremors started in my hands and spread, just as the warmth washed over me. My transformation was easy, scarily so, but I was past caring. All I wanted to do was rip and tear Peter limb from limb. To torture him as he had my Harry, just a few moments ago. To torture him like he would now be torturing me, having ended my Harry's life. To give him every wound vampires had given me, as a warning for others never to do the same.

My snarl ripped through the air, as I leaped for him. I noticed him get into a defensive crouch, his crimson eyes watching me warily. He seemed to prepare to fight, as he took in my small wolf form. I was hunting him, trying to get close enough to sink my teeth into his marble skin. I needed to be close enough to rip and tear at him, but he continued to dance around my attempts to end his life.

The dance was over too soon. He had not been punished. Harry had not been avenged. I had not died. Nothing that should have happened did happen. And it was Jacob's fault.

_Stop!_he cried, his voice worried, but containing a hint of something he had never used before and had promised never to use despite the circumstances. He was preparing to use his Alpha voice.

_Why?_ I snarled back, once again lunging for Peter. I was more sluggish now. It was like I was trying to launch myself through water, rather than air. I felt as though something was restraining the rage that was so uncontrollable and had been taking over my body.

_Because I said so._The double timbre in Jacob's voice was more detectable now, but he still seemed a little reluctant to use it. I worked that to my adantage, still trying to snap at Peter. This time it was like wading through a quicksand pool. I felt the strings starting to tighten around my body, a feeling I recognised from the many times Sam had used it in the pack.

_That is no reason at all, Jacob,_ I replied, whilst trying to block the thoughts I was using to plan to kill Peter.

_Leah, you will_ not_ attack Peter. So, stop that right now!_ His voice was aggressive, the full force of the Alpha voice unleashed. It was stronger than Sam's had ever been, the weight of it forcing me to the floor faster than any Alpha command had done before. I gasped.

_Why?_ I asked again._ Why should I not hunt him like the animal he is?_

_Because we can't afford to start a war, Leah. We can't just kill him and expect others not to get involved. We would get in a war with the vampires, too destructive to do anything._

_A war is what all our treaties dictate when a vampire kills a human. We hunt whoever did it. We _kill_ whoever did it. A life for a life._

_NO! _he snarled back, and I cowed in fear, and with the weight of the injunction. _Leah, you will not, nor will you ever try to kill Peter._

_But he's broken the treaty! He has _murdered_a human! Not any human, a human who was somebody's _Imprint_! _My _Imprint! Jacob, that breaks every treaty and unwritten law we have ever made with vampires and with each other! How can you stand there and ignore everything, like it doesn't exist?_

_I'm not pretending it doesn't exist. I would never to that to any member of our tribe. But, we can't be gung-ho about this, Leah. Peter will be punished, but he won't be killed. It makes us just as bad as any other murderer._

_Any other punishment won't fit the crime! Let me go after him, Jacob!_

_No, Leah._ He mulled over what he should do and what I would do. It took him a little while, as I futilely struggled against the bonds that were tying me down._ We will wait until Peter arrives, then you will wait in the woods, away from the house. I will let you know the events as I see them. Now that is what we will do._

_But, Jacob-_

_It isn't debatable, Leah. That is what we will do._ The Alpha voice became more resonant.

_Fine. I'll do that, o Great, sympathetic, kind, understanding Alpha. You are sympathetic, Leader._ It was at this point that he realised I was really going for it, and that my Harry's death had sent me into temporary insanity. He tried to break in, but I raised my mind's voice to talk over his thoughts._ You are so sympathetic, in fact, you seem not to be doing a single thing to ease the agony that you can so clearly see. So kind, you want to punish the creature that did it through no punishment at all. So understanding, you use your Alpha voice even though you promised you wouldn't under any circumstances-_

_Circumstances change, Leah. People change. There are reasons behind everything, and they make our decisions. We are going to hear Peter out, whether you like it or not._ I couldn't argue with the Alpha. I couldn't say or do anything that would make him change his mind. I had fought as strongly as I could for the death of the monster, and it wasn't working. Nothing would work. I gave in to the strings that were binding me and rolled up into a ball. I sobbed, as heartily as I could manage, trying to find some way to mask the pain that was germinating within my heart, growing and taking over as it had done once before. I knew then, as I knew at that point, that only love could cure it but there was no love that could replace an Imprint. No love could replace my Harry.

And the pain washed over me again...

**Author's Note: So, what d'ya think? Sorry it took me so long, especially after I promised it wouldn't. Blame Mother. She deleted my work as I was nearly finished. Luckily I saved half of it on my USB stick thing, but half was deleted and I had to try and remember it.  
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**Review, pretty please!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine. Don't sue. I can't afford it.**

**Author's Note: Yeah, I nearly cried for Leah when I was writing last chapter. And this chapter's been a pain-in-the-butt to write, because I have had major, major, major writer's block for this story. I've had plenty of ideas for others but this one - nothing. That means this probably won't be as good - if it doesn't come naturally then it never is as good, but I hope you feel it fits.**

**Love and Pain Go Hand in Hand**

Chapter 8 ~ Help

I dimly felt Jacob's mind leave me, at last, in peace. He left me alone to deal with my sorrow, of such a strength that it was diminishing, only to be replaced with a numb, empty, lifelessness. I was becoming blind and deaf to my surroundings. I barely noted that the sun was setting, or that I was in the woods, or that somebody was coming closer to me, and kneeling before me, and checking me. The loss of my Harry had entirely consumed me - so much so that I had trouble to remember what I had to live for any more.

"I am so sorry," a male voice whispered. I didn't know who he was, or why he was here, or what he was answering, but he sounded sincere. He sounded like he meant it. Then I realised that it didn't matter if he meant it or not - Harry was dead.

Another tear rolled down my muzzle as I thought of Harry. Beautiful Harry. Upbeat Harry. Positive Harry. Healing Harry. Lovely Harry. The best Harry. My Harry. And he'd gone. Snatched away from life before he could enjoy it. Life was so unfair.

"That is a bit of a cliche," the male voice said, seemingly trying to lift me out of the paralysing stupor Harry's death had left me in. My response couldn't really be classed as one - I ignored the man totally, as well as his ill-timed attempts at humour.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I thought...it might improve your outlook on things. Obviously, I didn't think it through correctly. I may have objectified your feelings too much. Or likened it to normal love, rather than the love received from an Imprint. Please accept my apology." If I myself could have thought properly, I would have said that the apology wasn't needed and that it wasn't his fault I found myself like this and that I appreciated the care that the humour obviously portrayed. But the anesthetising agony was too strong for those politer thoughts to break through. I just couldn't talk to this man so close to my Harry's death.

"Being alone won't help you. I know from experience. You need support and help from others. Blocking them out never solves problems." His velvet voice was pained, like he was reliving memories from long ago, but that were still as sharp as if they were from yesterday. "Blocking emotions doesn't help either. I've tried it all and none of it is good, and none of it works. Let yourself feel and maybe you can recover from this to some extent."

Recover? He expected me to recover from this? It was an impossibility. I could never fill the emptiness where Harry used to be in, not my heart, but the very foundations of my soul. I had an irreparably damaged heart and a lost soul. I couldn't recover.

"Leah, anything would be better than this choice. I totally understand how it feels to lose the entire centre of your universe, but desensitising yourself, separating yourself won't help you. You have to be strong, if not for yourself, for Harry. You have to realise he wouldn't want you to stop living life because he died. I know you would say the same to Harry." Talking about Harry's wishes managed to clear the fog slightly. It made me focus. I wasn't being selfish in moving on from Harry's death, nor was I showing signs of indifference. I was helping Harry be at ease in his final resting place.

As I tried to deal with the grief more effectively, I heard someone else come up and start talking to the male. This person was female - something I could tell from the light footfalls, the higher pitched voice, and the lilting intonation of her voice.

"Is she OK now?" I heard her ask. That was heartening. Someone else cared about me too. Someone else wanted me to be happy, as well as what Harry would be wishing. Harry's last words were him telling me that he loved me, so wasn't that proof he wanted me to recover? Wasn't that proof he wanted me to show him I loved him by healing? I really hoped so.

"She seems to have perked up slightly when I said Harry wouldn't want his death to affect her in a wholly negative way."

"I feel so sorry for her," the female answered. "She has had so much pain in such a short amount of time. And she's had to cope with it virtually on her own, because she couldn't tell people about the wolves. It makes me wonder who could do something like that to such a wonderful person."

"You didn't know her when she could be called wonderful. Sam had affected her too much by that time. But I understand what you mean. It's making you question whether or not a higher person or being could really exist with good conscience."

"Exactly. She's had so many things hit her, time and time again." She sighed. "I can't help but wonder how she's going to cope with it all." They were talking about me as if I didn't exist. Which I suppose was true, in the sense that I couldn't talk back or protest or add anything to the conversation about my own life, because I was too busy trying to fight the stupor that was hovering over me, ready to pull me down again if I didn't concentrate hard enough.

"She'll cope. She's fighting her anesthesia as we speak, so she'll be able to live." He was trying to convince her that I'd be okay, and I was once again touched by their concern. If people cared about me like this, could I let them down? I was already thinking clearer and, in spite of the pain that was growing more and more acute with each inch I fought, I wanted to live up to their expectations. Besides, I had suddenly rediscovered my desire for revenge.

"I doubt you'll be allowed to do that," Edward called. Now my brain was functioning somewhat better, I had remembered that the male was Edward the mind-reading vampire and the woman was Bella the shielding vampire and that they were always good to me - unless I was having a rant and rave about what they did to Jacob or how annoying Nessie was at times.

Groggily, I asked him why. In my mind. Because I was still in too much pain to change into my human form. As well as that, I didn't have any clothes and I wanted to preserve what little dignity I had left.

"Well, Jasper is very good friends with Peter, and Alice will back Jasper, because they're mates. Carlisle won't want fighting and Esme is always behind Carlisle. Nessie won't want it because Jacob doesn't...for some inexplicable reason. Emmett is behind Jasper because he doesn't want to fight with Peter, and Rosalie is indifferent, but when pushed will go with the rest of them. That creates a majority verdict of 'don't kill Peter'." Then I heard Edward growl for some reason.

"What?" Bella asked, undoubtedly as questioning as I was at the growl. I hadn't once thought of how much I wanted to rip, limb from limb, all of the Cullens and werewolves and who or whatever else stood in between me and Peter's death.

"I just...can't understand it," he replied. "I don't know why Jacob wouldn't want Peter dead." A shiver went through his body. "If it was Nessie, God forbid, he'd have shredded Peter to pieces human! Not only that, but he experienced Leah's emotions firsthand, as I am, and I have no idea ho he wouldn't be swayed by that. And he went against all tradition and all treaties, like Leah said. But he didn't let her, didn't give up saying no. I just don't know why..."

_He said he didn't want to risk the vampire-wolf relations,_ I replied, actively getting involved in the conversation. I was nearly fully functioning, so I tried to sit up a little more, and look interested. It wasn't even a pretense. I was desperate to have all this information because it could give me information about what to do and what not to do in order to give Peter what he deserved.

"But it's perfectly fine. Jasper would have been furious but he would have understood eventually, as would the rest of us. The only person who would never have forgiven you would have been Charlotte, but she would have understood why you did it."

_Why didn't you stay to read his mind? _That would definitely have been simpler. It would have been a lot less emotional than watching me battle a similar thing to Bella when he left her. I regretted that thought when he winced - he still hadn't gotten over leaving her like that.

"Because she saw you run off, and based on said experience, she thought you could use some help, but she needed me to read your mind so we could actually console you rather than spout platitudes." I got a lump in my throat at their care. God, how could I have ever thought them to be cruel? I was disgusted with myself.

"Just tribe prejudices, we got it when we were at Hoquaim and were expecting it that time, so there wasn't a problem." He smiled, but it was quickly wiped off his face as he remembered what loss had just befallen me. Then I started to wonder how grief had made me increase my vocabulary exponentially in the last few minutes. Exponentially? Befallen? Kind of reminded me of when I said vamoose at the wedding. Then the pain burst through me.

I gasped and panted at the fierceness of it, like a hole had been shot through my chest. And this memory was a good one. But maybe that made it worse, by reminding me I didn't have a hope in Hell at trying to get another shot at those times. Thant I couldn't make more memories of Harry was heartbreaking. Totally and utterly heartbreaking. Nothing could make it worse. Ever. Nor could anything make it better. I was up the creek without a paddle.

"Leah," Bella cried, whilst rushing over to my curled up form. "Breathe, just breathe. It won't take a moment. Think of something else, totally off what you were thinking of before." That was the most round-a-bout way I'd ever heard of not saying somebody's name. But it didn't take much distracting. Jacob phased and spoke to me.

_You might want to inform Bella and Edward of Peter's arrival into the house. Ask them if they want me to stay wolf so they can see the conversation through your eyes._

I had no need to, because Edward seemed to be listening to my mind, probably out of concern for my feelings. He was kind that way.

"No Jacob, it's alright. What I'm going to do is move a bit closer to the house so I can hear most of the conversation. You might want to ask Leah if she wants to see it though. It involves her more than it does us."

_Well?_ That arrogant, obnoxious, son of a... _I am listening, you know._

_Oops. Sorry, most high Alpha. But, yes, I would like you stay. I want to see what he says is his excuse._

_Couldn't Edward do that?_

_He could, but I want to see it as firsthand as possible, without ripping his head off, seeing as you won't let me._

_Fine. I'll just tell them._Then he disappeared. God, he was an idiot.

"I always thought so," Edward murmured, and we snickered at it together.

**So, what did you think?**

**And, once again, sorry for the writer's block that made writing this totally impossible for an age. Thanks for putting up with that. I'll try and get my writing back on track by making deadlines for myself and goals and the like. Anyway, please review! I'd appreciate that loads.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer and not me, I'm just manipulating her characters and ruining Leah, because I am very cruel.**

**A/N: I haven't stuck to my deadline. Because... well, I'm useless. Sorry. Despite yet another late chapter, I hope it will clear up any confusion with regards to Jacob stopping Leah from hunting down (insert bad word for Peter).**

**Love and Pain Go Hand in Hand**

Leah's POV

Chapter 9 ~ Explanations

When I heard Jacob's mind again, I was quiet. His voice, laced with rage, told me that Peter would be in the room in five minutes. Here was the moment I had waited for, for what seemed like an eternity. In reality, it was only hours since I had watched my Harry's death by the hands of something that shouldn't exist in our world.

Edward was sat, concentrating, in the corner of the clearing. He needed to concentrate for once, because the minds he was listening to were so far away. He wanted to move closer so he could hear them with a little more ease, but I couldn't bear being so close to the killer and not try to tear his throat out. We could have split up, but then one of us wouldn't have been able to voice our opinions because there was only one phone to hear the 'chat', i.e. interrogation, of Peter.

Personally, I thought convincing Peter of his immorality in this would be impossible. I had seen his eyes the total indifference to my suffering, the lack of empathy, sympathy or even pity. There was nothing there except the existence of a monster that was dancing on my Harry, trying to squeeze the rest of the blood from his lifeless body. That monster was gloating, but there was another that wanted more and more of my Harry's blood. I wished there was something I could have done to stop him. Anything I could have done to stop him.

I'm pretty sure the fury coursing through my veins and boiling my blood caused my thoughts to be rather loud. The annoyance on Edward's face led me to this conclusion and when I worked that I tried to keep my thoughts down. It was a pretty impossible task because I couldn't hear the volume of my thoughts in Edward's head but I tried all the same. I needed someone to like me and support me through this crap.

That got me thinking of all the "crap", from Sam onwards. It seemed like I was an experiment to see how long I could endure pain. I was given a taste of something precious that I needed in my life, and then it was taken from me. Would I live? What would I do without this? How would I cope when I learned happiness only existed to make unhappiness possible?

"Marcel Proust," Edward murmured, distracting me from my thoughts.

_What?_ It had seemingly come out of nowhere, and I couldn't see how my thoughts could have brought a French author from the turn of the century to the front of his mind.

"He said happiness only exists to make unhappiness possible."

_Oh, joy. Well, I'm glad to see you're doing what little you can to cheer me up, by telling me this depressing sentiment has been shared by many. Thanks,_ I said sarcastically.

"No problem," he replied, seeing that it was humour I was going for, rather than a snide comment. That I was trying for humour was optimistic, at least. Probably came from knowing that I was moments away from seeing if my justice would be delivered. It was unlikely, but I could only hope.

I started to watch the scene that was in my mind. I blocked all other images from my surroundings and fully concentrated on the vampires sat in Jacob's room. I realised I'd missed some of the conversation due to my mini-conversation with Edward.

"I've already said that I'm sorry. What more can I do now? He's dead." Totally without feeling and said as if they were merely discussing which opera to see. I snarled at the apathy.

_Calm it, Leah,_ Jacob snapped. He was angry at something. I assumed it was at Peter; after all, he was the one who was very callously dealing with my Harry's cold-blooded murder. I wondered how Jacob could be so close to him and not take a snap at him. I would. _I said, calm it, Leah. Now._

I couldn't help being angry at the vampire that totally ruined my life, but I once again tried to cool down. I was missing all of the questions and Peter's excuses masquerading as answers. It was all pointless - that I could sense. No one cared about justice, they were too close to the matter to think rationally.

"I don't know," he murmured, to what question I had no idea. Carlisle asked it, but that was all I knew. Jacob wasn't talking so I started to listen more intently. No more thoughts going off on a tangent for me, otherwise I'd have no idea what was going on.

"Did you try to stop yourself from killing him?" Carlisle asked, his voice that of calmness and acceptance. Acceptance? Who could accept this? Accept a slaughter? That wasn't like Carlisle at all.

_Leah,_ Jacob warned. I grimaced and tried to restrain the anger coursing through me.

"Yes," he replied without hesitation. It was perfect timing on his part - not too quick, not too slow. He was a gifted liar. Not gifted enough to get around a mind reader though.

"No you didn't, Peter," Edward said simply.

"I did," he snarled down the phone.

"It might be quiet, but I can still hear your mind, so there's no point lying. Just tell the truth. It would make things a lot easier." We heard him sigh, and I saw him mentally debate the best course of action.

"It wouldn't have made a difference. Even if I had tried, I wouldn't have stopped. If you move a little closer, you might get the full impact." When Edward and Bella looked at me, I nodded quickly. An explanation would be nice, rather than all the cryptic conversations within conversations within an interrogation, and that curiosity might stop me from running to end Peter's life. I might manage the end of the garden, and because Bella promised to stop with me, I probably wouldn't run to destruction. We arrived in no time at all and Bella stayed with me as planned. Edward went to the house.

"I suggest anything with a heartbeat moves away," Peter said. That was strange. He didn't want to kill werewolves. Then, as Nessie ran down the garden, I realised her half-human smell and heartbeat would attract him, especially as he went through the motions of a recent hunt. He still didn't care about me, or how he had so quickly managed to ruin me. My lips curled back from my teeth and Bella must have heard me.

"Whoa, Leah! Calm down. Not going to help. We need to know what happened. Then maybe we can sort this mess out. OK?" I nodded stiffly in response and then sat down. I was going to sit here and be trusted to sit here and listen and watch what was happening, just like I'd been told.

I saw Edward walk into the room and every one of them move slightly defensively. There must have been a huge argument about this, and Bella and Edward had chosen to support me in my fight. I didn't know why, but they did. They were risking their family for me. That made me feel awful, truly awful. I was ruining everything. How typical.

"Took you a while," Peter said. He was obviously insensitive to be so arrogant and obnoxious so close to my Harry's death. I didn't just hate this man, I loathed him. Edward rolled his eyes and motioned for him to start showing him what happened.

Edward gasped at something and I watched both of their eyes darken with thirst. My eyes started swimming with tears, as I watched the face of one of my only supporters contorted with the bloodlust that killed my Harry. The very same bloodlust. My breathing hitched as I watched two people start to hunt Harry all over again. Even though they were only watching a memory, it created a pain deep within my heart. It was intense pain with no anger to take the edge from it. I tried to watch the scene, but it was impossible as I saw lips curl back from teeth and snarls erupt. I blocked the end of the shared memory from my mind as I tried to breathe through the hole that had burst its way through my chest. Bella knelt beside me, telling me to think of something else. I didn't. In order to understand, I had to listen to the conversation that followed. I needed to know what happened.

"More powerful than Bella_,_" Edward whispered. He seemed to be talking more to himself than to anyone in particular. Nobody could understand him as he continued to mumble through his thoughts to organise them.

"Nothing like explaining things, Edward," Rosalie complained, eventually.

"Sorry. This is quite difficult to comprehend, even though I felt and saw everything for myself. Give me a moment," he replied, and proceeded to sit on a chair in silence for another minute. "You know how hard I found it not to kill Bella when I first met her." They nodded. "Imagine that I had hunted humans at that point."

"Yo wouldn't have stopped yourself," Emmett said.

"Right," Edward replied. "Then imagine that she smelt more appetising. Nothing could have stopped me and this was the situation Peter found himself could have stopped him."

I was crushed. Even my only supporter was now supporting my Harry's killer. Who could condone that? Obviously, the Cullens could. Obviously, none of them could give me justice because he was their friend. Obviously, I wanted to kill them all.

I turned and ran from the house, as fast as I could. I wasn't allowed to kill them, so I had to leave. It was probably for the better. It would only start an impossible war, just like Jake said. I didn't want to do that to anyone, especially not Jake, not after all he'd done for me in those long, hard twenty years. So, I left.

I heard footsteps follow. It was probably just Bella. It could have been Edward. Either way, I didn't care. I wanted time alone, to live my life through, and select what I wanted to hear, and see, and do and say. I wanted to right all the wrongs I had committed, take back all the snarky comments during my harpy years. I wanted a new life and I wanted Harry back so he could be in it. None of those could ever be granted, so I wanted to be alone.

_Stop running, Leah,_ Jacob said. His voice was calm, without any Alpha undertones. I could feel his need to talk to me, so I slowed to a walk, waiting for him to catch up to me. I realised I had heard paws following, not feet. It was an easy mistake to make, with my mind full of Harry's murderer being excused.

_What is it Jacob? I want to be alone._

_I owe you an explanation. I just couldn't let you fight Peter, because - _

_Can't we talk about this at a later date? I want to be alone._

_You need to know why I did this. _He was starting to annoy me and I could feel the old Leah, the one full of pain that she unleashed onto everyone else, start to bubble under my skin.

_I know why you did it. _

_You do? _Yes, he was definitely getting annoying, and so I readied my 'bitter harpy' voice, full of hurt and pain.

_I do. It's because you are cold-hearted and unsympathetic and-_

_IT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO DIE! _he roared. I was shocked into silence. Who else had died? Someone from the rez? _It's Billy. He's been diagnosed with cancer._And just when I'd thought things couldn't get worse, they did. I couldn't understand why everything had been thrown together at once. But that still didn't fully explain things...

_I don't understand what that has to do with me, Jacob._

_You're like my sister, Leah. I am actually closer to you than my real sisters. I couldn't let you fight a vampire who was strong and more capable of fighting than any Cullen we had trained with except Jasper. You would have died, and I just couldn't do that to you, Leah._ How could I have been so cruel? He was totally right, as much as I hated to say it. I would have died, but wasn't that best for me now? I had no life left in me now that Harry had gone. There was nothing left.

_There's family and friends and all the people you have helped in Africa. What about us, Leah?_

_I...I...I wasn't thinking. I had just seen Harry die. I couldn't think of anything except that. I know you'd be the same with Nessie. But, that's besides the point. I'm just saying that I could only think of revenge, preferably painful. It's still quite appealing, to be honest. _A silence followed._ Do you mind me being alone now Jacob? I need to think._

_Of course,_ he said, and started to run.

_I'm sorry about Billy._ He nodded in response, and ran into the trees. His mind soon left, so I assumed he went home human. I sighed and ran further away. I wanted to go home. I needed my mother.

**So, thanks for reading that. Took several sessions. I won't be post for a while (probably September) because for two weeks my cousin is over and the next week I go on holiday, so I won't have time to write. I have a clear idea of what I want next chapter, so I'll probably be able to write it quite quickly (touch wood).**

**Anyway, please review. I love them. And tell me if you spot spelling mistakes. I did the last bit in a rush. Thanks.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Twilight doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the SMeyer.**

**Author's Note: Two things: let me explain about Jake and Peter, and I'm sorry about the time delay .**

**Okay, then.**

**First, Peter's excuse is supposed to be weak - this is a werewolf story and so I am villifying the actual killing vampires (not the vegetarian ones).**

**Jake's excuse: his father is dying. This is the father that has supported him though everything, that has provided for him after his mother died and he has looked after since he took to a wheelchair and who cared for him whilst he went through his change. He is therefore going to be extremely upset that his father is dying.**

**He isn't going to want someone he is so close to to die too. Remember, he helped Leah as she tried to come to terms with Sam and Emily having children whilst she... couldn't. He was the only one she would talk to for an extremely long time and that made their bond as strong as Edward's and Alice's, probably even stronger. He needed her to talk to, because she was often removed from situations and could offer unaffected advice.**

**It was all purely selfish, but you can't blame him - he needs a crutch outside the family, as well as Nessie and the Cullens.**

**I'm really sorry it took so long. Time flies. I have been settling into my routine again and, with a ton of work being forced upon me as soon as I walked through the door, I haven't had any time to type it up, although it has been hand written since the 29th August. And, I knew where I wanted this chapter to go - I did, but that path has changed dramatically. The characters are talking to me, influencing me. That makes me sound crazy, doesn't it? I'll shut up now.**

**Love and Pain Go Hand in Hand**

Leah's POV

Chapter 10 ~ Solution

I sat there, sipping my lukewarm coffee and nursing my guilt and anger. Mom pottered around in the background, speaking regularly and humming some of my favourite songs to try and disturb the air of discontent and unhappiness that had engulfed me.

That Tuesday went just as planned. I arrived to a drizzly La Push, and nicked some of Mom's clothes from the washing line to put on before I changed forms and trudged inside. An air of misery permeated everything, as I remembered tales from various years. All of the Christmases, Thanksgivings and such that had taken place in this small house. More sharply came the memories of Harry: our first dinner, our first movie, our ensuing love and marriage. Then the sharp pain as I remembered the little time we had had to share the simple things in life. Our ambitions to see the world and help all had hindered our efforts to raise a family and so we waited. _Too long,_ my mind whispered. _You wasted the best years of your life. It's too late now. Stupid, stupid, stupid._

When Mom walked in, I broke down and sobbed out what I could of the tale. A deafening silence followed. Mom looked shocked beyond belief, her mouth wide open, before suddenly snapping shut as the tears welled in her eyes. Together, we cried out our tears of grief for such a wonderful man whose life had ended so suddenly and so viciously.

I decided I needed to apologise to Sam and Emily. Undoubtedly, they would have been told. Harry was their son. Jacob wasn't so short-sighted that he would have ignored this responsibility. At least I wouldn't have to tell them the worst.

I arrived at their house, a tired, red-eyed Emily opening the door to me. She looked me dead in the eyes before snarling, better than any wolf, "You're not welcome here any more, Leah."

"Emily, don't do this. I need to talk to you, I need to-"

"You don't _need_ to do anything. I, on the other hand, need to grieve. He was my son. Leave." She slammed the door in my face. It wasn't the greeting that was hoped for, but it was to be expected. It didn't make it hurt any less when it actually happened. I sunk to the ground, tears mingling with the ever-present rain on my face.

I sat on the doorstep for hours. I had no sense of time passing again. I had no emotion again. I was becoming an wreck, but that was something that couldn't be helped. Not with the loss of my Harry. As I was lamenting, I heard the door open behind me. I spun around to see Emily, still tired, still red-eyed. I hated that I had caused this.

"I'm sorry, Leah. I didn't mean to be so... I don't know. Anyway, I didn't mean to shout at you like that. Come in." I shuffled inside, my wet clothes and hours in the rain had cooled even my werewolf body heat down.

"Don't apologise," I murmured quietly to her. "I didn't expect any other reaction. I deserve to be shouted at." Emily didn't answer, so I knew she was thinking exactly the same thing. I was glad to know someone agreed with me, even if she hated me.

"Where's Sam?"

"He didn't take the news well," she replied evading the question. Until I saw the chaos in the front room, I didn't fully understand.

"He... he changed?" I asked, knowing this was the truth as I looked into her eyes and around the house. I sighed deeply. How many more lives would I ruin in my pathetic and futile existence? What was my purpose on earth? To be placed in acid, thrash about and splash it on others, hurting them too? I was disgusted with myself.

She nodded. "It's not your fault. Harry is, partially, but not all of it."

"Stop it Em. Stop trying to excuse me. It _is_ my fault, and I'm sick of people saying otherwise." Strange how, despite the serious circumstances, my brain recognised how much I sounded like Bella. Funny how I realised the species I hated most were the ones I was like myself. Odd how life pans out, really.

"Peter would have found a way. If Edward said Peter would have found a way, Peter would have found a way. He's a vampire, for crying out loud. He has a vast mind capacity for such things, especially when they are directed towards satiating bloodlust." I tried to tune out to such reasonable explanations, but I couldn't. I had to listen to every word excusing my guilt, and every sentiment freeing some of my guilt. I sighed. "And Jacob didn't let you kill Peter." I was surprised he had told them, or let it slip. Trying to free me of blame again, I supposed.

"I should have been able to stop that, or persuade him to change his mind or something," I cried in frustration.

"He's a pig-headed idiot. You wouldn't have changed his mind." She seemed dead set on that for some reason. I was just contemplating the reasoning behind that when she sighed. "If it were Nessie, he'd have killed him. He would have cared too damn much for anything else. And he'd have thought of loopholes." She sighed again.

"Shall I talk to him?"

"No point. What's done is done." She was silent a moment more. We were both thinking of the strange, ridiculous reason why Jacob stopped me killing Peter. I was going to have to speak to him as soon as possible about changing the Alpha order. I could finally get revenge, regardless of what Emily thought. I needed this badly. It was the only thing I could do to try to patch myself back together.

"I could always-"

"I said there's no point," she sighed. I was shocked. She'd all but said we should kill Peter, so why couldn't I at least get my ideas out?

"But, Em, we have-"

"Leah, just shut up!" she yelled at me. She took a deep breath. "I hate Peter and I am devastated at Harry's death. Don't doubt that. But whatever we feel or think or believe, it doesn't give us a right to play God and kill whoever we blame for whatever went wrong. Sometimes it's better to let it be..." She trailed off, leaving me with thought. She was right: sometimes it was better to let things be. Not this time.

"I don't think you really mean that," I proposed, hoping to win her round to my way of thinking. That is, death to Peter. "You're too emotional to judge."

"And so are you," she sighed exasperatedly. "We've both lost someone who meant the world to us. Neither of us can judge. Surely it's not too much to ask for you to calm down and think before you go all gung-ho and start trying to kill him. A few weeks, when you've had time to consider it properly. It might seem like weeks since Harry died, but it was yesterday, Lee. Less than twenty-four hours. That's nowhere near enough time to adjust or anything."

"You say it like it's remotely possible," I replied coldly. "Harry meant the world to me, we had an entire future planned. It's not like I can forget everything and go back to the way it was. My world was tipped on its head when Harry was killed. Only one thing can right it, and that's Peter."

"Enough, Leah." Her voice was strong and commanding, a lot like an Alpha order. It made me stop and take note. "Stop acting like everything's a done deal, like there are no barriers between you and what you want. There is an entire coven of vampires and a werewolf standing between you and Peter. So... give up. Stop this fool's errand and live your life like Harry would have wanted."

I was, once again, reeling. She really was saying, 'stay away'. What was it about the last two days? Gang up against Leah? Ruin Leah? End Leah's life in the cruelest, bloodiest, nastiest way possible? Thank you, Providence. Now they had even convinced my only possible ally to stop me. And I love you too, Life.

"How can you ask that?" I whispered weakly. My one true constant, no matter what had happened in life, mythical or otherwise, she was constant. Until now. She was directly saying no. I had to know why.

"I can ask it easily. As Harry's mother, I ask that you don't. I don't want you to give your life up to revenge. That is no life at all. Hatred and violence. What would Harry think if he saw you like this?" I couldn't answer. I knew full well what Harry would think. He wouldn't be angry - he'd be sad, disappointed and grave. All so much worse than angry. "That is how I can ask you not to do this. Because I know Harry wouldn't want you to." She stood me up and dragged me to the door, wrenching a promise from me not to kill Peter. A quick "Goodbye, Leah. Go home," and I was pushed into the pouring La Push rain.

I sat out for a bit, letting the rain wash and cleanse my skin. I needed it. So many thoughts of bloodshed (minus the blood, of course) and torture had been going through my mind that I feared I was no longer sane. The clouds and sheeting rain also surrounded me, protected me from the vicious world of dog-eat-dog. Somehow, I thought I could hide from life. I needed a safe harbour now that mine had disappeared, but nowhere felt safe anymore.

Even so, I walked home. Mom had done my dinner and left to get Charlie from Billy's. I didn't know whether to eat or go straight to my room, so I hovered, dripping wet in the doorway. I was extremely tired from my run and the emotional draining of my talk with Emily. I rested my head on the sofa, and before I knew it, I had drifted to sleep.

_Harry smiles at me. I see his warm grin light up his features as I lay in my safe harbour._

_"Not looking too great there, L," he whispers._

_"Do you expect me to?" I smile back tiredly. I try to memorise his features again. His brown eyes, melted chocolate, the gateway to his bright soul. His large hands, big enough to engulf mine, rough and calloused from our work in the third world, both just perfect for me. His arms hugging my waist, holding me close as we mold together as one. The exact colour of his hair as it blows in the breeze, the light glinting from it._

_"Not particularly," he replies. "I just wanted you to be strong, L, for me." He gives me a serious little half-smile. "You know I'll love you, no matter where I am or where you are and what you do. I'll always be yours." He rests his forehead against my own._

_"I know. I'll love you for eternity - you and no one else. I'm always yours." We sit there in our happy bubble. We are just happy to relax and be together. Then I have a feeling there was something to remember. Something terrible that is of importance. Something that will burst our happy bubble. I tense up._

_"Leah?" he asks. He wonders what is wrong with me. _I_ wonder what is wrong with me. Yet, I can't shake the feeling of terror that is gripping me with this creeping fact._

_Then, I remember._

_Then, I scream._

So much for a good night's sleep, I thought. I groaned as I rolled over to check the time. My phone lights up with the time, 2:49 am, only four hours after I went to bed. Well, wasn't that typical? If I do sleep, I dream of a Harry hugging me, a thought which brought so many happy memories, making me more depressed. Again, I had to reflect on my purpose in life. Was there one, even? If there was, what was it? I could see no reason for me to exist any more. Except revenge that I couldn't have. Unless I thought of a loophole. There was a timewaster.

See, I wanted to kill Peter. But, I had been told not to kill Peter. I had also promised not to kill Peter. Therein lies the problem - I had promised not o do the only thing I wanted to do. It was a vicious, never-ending cycle. I kept going in circles trying to find a way round it. I could rip him to pieces, but, seeing as how he could put himself back together again, it didn't have the finality I wanted it to. That was the only other idea I had.

Eventually, even I, the revenge-driven harpy, got bored. There was only so much plotting I could do with little sleep and an empty stomach. At a semi-respectable time of six am, I went to get a bowl of cereal. A few minutes of mindless chatting with Mom and Charlie before they kissed and said they'd meet at Billy's. My heart gave a wrench to see them so happy together. In an effort to ignore them, I dug furiously into my cereal.

I finished, washed the bowl and let Mom know I was using the shower. I let the hot water soothe my tense muscles and ease a little of the guilt for a moment, before heading back to bed with a hot chocolate. I plotted fruitlessly for a while until falling to sleep again.

I didn't awake refreshed. I woke with a start, Harry's face dancing in my mind. I woke with adrenaline coursing through my veins as I screamed in fear of Harry's life. I woke having relived the worst second of my life. That was all it took to snuff out a life - a second. One tiny, never-ending second. My room went blurry as my eyes welled up. My Harry was gone forever.

Even though it seemed like I had remembered it and thought it thousands of times, each time hit me as hard as it did when I first realised. I could never see him, never hold him, never grow old with him. Never, never. Ripped from our grasp, I thought once more. The future stolen. With two people to blame; myself and Peter. I was being adequately punished - I would never feel Harry's love again. But Harry didn't deserve his end, and so I needed vengeance. I, once again fruitlessly, tried to end Peter's life. It didn't work.

Mom dragged me out of my room at eleven to do something. Moping was better than locking myself into my room, apparently.

So I sat there, sipping my lukewarm coffee and nursing my guilt and anger. Mom pottered around in the background, speaking regularly and humming some of my favourite songs to try and disturb the air of discontent and unhappiness that had engulfed me.

Instead of trying to find a way of killing Peter (for once), I remembered one of my first hunts as a werewolf. The newborns and Victoria. I gasped loudly, my coffee falling to the floor.

Victoria tried to kill Bella for Edward killing James. Mate for mate. Charlotte for Harry.

_No, no no no no! _my mind shouted in response. _That's not right, it's not fair!_

_Fair on who?_ The voice asked._ Nothing that has happened to you has been _fair_, so why should you consider being fair to them?_

_But she did nothing wrong!_

_All is fair in love and war. This is a mixture of the two. _All_ is fair!_

_I can't._

_Of course you can. Don't you want Peter to pay?_

_Yes, but-_

_Don't you want Harry's death to be avenged?_

_Yes, but-_

_But nothing. This is the only way to make him suffer like Harry did and like you are suffering now!_

_It's not her fault!_

_Blame, guilt, fault: they mean nothing. This is a world of myths and legends, where they have no value to the minds of those who are true to what they are. Kill Charlotte and you right the only world that matters: yours._

_I can't!_

_Peter feels the pain you want him to, Harry is avenged, more humans survive and you don't kill Peter, just like you promised. You have no better idea that fulfils all of that. Go for it._

I was shocked into silence. My brain was progressively being possessed by these thoughts of hatred, death and destruction. So enticing, so fitting. I had no better idea, and I knew that it would be impossible to convince Jacob to change the order.

However unjust, I now had a quest. Peter was going to hurt.

**AN: Like I said, I'm evil. But, I wrote myself into a hole, and I saw a loophole... in chapter 7. I really am evil. If you have a spare ten seconds, could you click on the little review button below and tell me how evil I am to punish Charlotte. I'm sorry in advance. I really didn't want to, but all's fair!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine.**

**Author's Note: Sorry it took so long, but my computer died on me, yet again. The third time in two years - to be honest, I should learn. Apparently I haven't, so my computer crashed on me. So, after a phenomenal amount of money and the entire chapter being deleted (just my luck really), I have **_**finally**_** got around to writing this up. So, here we go!**

**Love and Pain Go Hand in Hand**

Chapter 11 ~ The Hunt

To come to terms with the full implications of my decision was hard. I wanted retribution, I wanted Peter to suffer what I was suffering, but to achieve this by killing Charlotte - she was pretty much an innocent. Wouldn't that be tantamount to murder, making me just as bad as Peter?

Then I would remember seeing the life drain from Harry's eyes, his last words, his taken life. I saw that scene all too often in my mind's eye, likening everything it could in the many places I visited, making me once again loathe Peter as the parasite he was, allowing me to justify murder. I loathed myself at times.

For months I roamed across the country, trying to come up with other options whilst tracking Peter and Charlotte. I often fought with myself, and nearly won many times, pleading the innocence of Charlotte. Then, each and every time, my mind pulled up Harry's last moments; Peter greedily bent over my soulmate, the loss I'd felt, the anger I now harboured. Then, my murderous, savage, revenge-driven devil called for someone, anyone to pay. It cried for punishment - mate for mate, love for love, life for life. After all, what less did Peter deserve?

The hunt became my life. The further I travelled, the more my obsession grew. Everything I planned for was a plan for vengeance. Everything I looked forward to involved a hatred of Peter. I became the hunter - it was my life, my self and my being.

Occasionally, I stopped to wonder what Harry would have thought of me. Each time I shuddered away from the thought. After all, Harry was so kind, and so caring and so loving and peaceful and calm. He would have despised me ruining my life in anger and hatred. He would have forgiven me, but never my actions. So, I didn't often think of Harry's reaction to me, for fear of losing my desire for revenge.

In suffering my loss and searching for retribution, I began to lose myself. I became self-pitying and self-loathing, driving myself into the destructive rut of an unhealthy obsession. Instead of heeding my internal warnings and indecisiveness, I fought harder, and chased Peter down with more fury than I thought could possibly be held in this wolven carcass. I hunted faster and searched harder than before as my humanity began to slip further from me.

Over time, I stole closer and closer. Gradually, the vampires' scent became stronger and newer as I crept up on them. I focused myself on the fight that I knew would be coming. I also knew that, though she was female, Charlotte would be able to fight well from her training when she was with the newborn "army". I plotted more effectively, remembering as many tactics as possible as I prepared myself to fight with her.

I also planned to sneak up on Peter, catch him off-guard, just as he did with my Harry. He would be hunting me after I had killed Charlotte, if I killed Charlotte. After all, no vampire would let their mate's death go unpunished. So he would find me and we would fight and one of us would die. If I wasn't dead already, that is.

Whilst I was busy planning, the two went their separate ways - Peter went one way and Charlotte went another. I had no idea for the reasoning behind it, so I assumed that Peter was expecting me to follow him and try to kill him, whilst Charlotte would be saved. If he thought that, he was wrong. Then again, there were conversations that the Cullens wouldn't have been privy to, that they couldn't warn the couple about. Even so, Alice would have seen my decision and warned them... I couldn't fathom it, but followed the trail that led to Charlotte, just as I had planned.

I crept along, following the trail in my wolf form, until I got to a clearing. She was stood in the middle of it, her back to me, deep in thought. Looked like she was trying to enjoy her memories. She was perfectly still, too still for her state of mind to be stable. Despite the fact I couldn't see her face, I knew she would be frightened as she relived her time with the Southern covens of America and the fights she had fought in her first year. Once again, I was hit by a powerful sense of wrong-doing and the evil I would be committing if I followed through with this plan.

I began to turn when her voice rang clear and unwavering, through the clearing. "I know what you're planning, Leah. Peter doesn't, but I do. Finish it. End it, please." I walked forward tentatively. "Peter has done wrong by you. I was trying to stop it when he killed your mate. I'm sorry." Once again, I stepped forward, each step draining me of the revenge I had wanted to exact. After all, Charlotte had had nothing to do with it. She hadn't been the one draining the life from my Harry. She couldn't have known

I walked carefully around to watch and analyse her face. It could have been a front, so she could attack me when I turned my back, or so Peter could sneak up on me as I was absorbed by her speech. I didn't know, so I went to watch her face. As I slowly walked around her, she carried on speaking.

"Alice called me to say what you had decided. We knew you would have been following us as you tried to avenge your loved one in any way possible." I growled as she referenced Harry's brutal death into the conversation. "I'm sorry I couldn't help. I wanted to, believe me, but there was no time. I couldn't have stopped him, not at all. No one could have. He was too determined. It would have happened in that moment or whether you tried to stop it or not. It was just a matter of when." She smiled gently. She was getting to me, trying to talk me out of my determination. It didn't matter what she had said before about sacrificing herself. She wouldn't. She wasn't that noble - no undead creature ever could be.

That brought out the uncontrollable anger from deep within me, a bubbling, boiling, deep-seated loathing, that had me lunging for her before I had consciously thought about my movement. These beasts seemed to get under my skin and cause reactions and didn't think possible in me.

She whirled around, faster than the human eye could see. Luckily, I wasn't human and turned on a sixpence to follow her across the clearing. I barely had time to right myself before I felt her trying to leap on me. I felt, once again, like I was fighting the newborns all those years ago. I felt the adrenaline pulse through my body in reaction to the fight or flight decision - I was choosing fight.

I lunged again, aiming for the throat. She darted backwards, avoiding my jaws, whilst trying to grab me and squeeze, just like a newborn. I thought she had never been taught anything else, and it seemed to me that she was relying on her instincts. I didn't dwell on whether that meant she was trying to kill me or not. I just followed her, whilst keeping out of the way of her mouth and therefore her venom.

She danced out of my way many a time, as I lunged hungrily for her. It seemed as if we were choreographing a routine for a B-rated Hollywood movie - the werewolf versus the vampire. My jaws snapped, her lethal arms tries to grab for me. Occasionally my teeth caught in her marble skin, and there was one less chunk of her. Occasionally, she would get a grip on me, but I would twist away.

This destructive dance seemed to last forever, but could have been no more than a few minutes. One endless moment of violence and hate. One snap of the jaws and it was all over.

The head rolled away from me as I continued to shred the marble. I refused to think I had killed an innocent. I refused to remember that I had destroyed someone - I reverted to the safety net of my old way of thinking. Vampires were _things_, not people. It was hard after so many years spent with the Cullens, but I managed. I rooted for something to start a fire with so the Peter didn't just piece her back together, because that wouldn't do anything except anger him. It wouldn't have the weight of the punishment I wanted it to.

I got the fire started eventually, by rubbing two sticks together, just like I was taught as a girl.

Then I had to run, just like I had run from Forks years and years ago. Last time it was because I was too human; this time it was because I was a monster and a murderer. No matter how I justified it.


End file.
